Having too much success? Irritated at those massive Kindle Unlimited bonuses you get every month? Well here’s a solution for you! A series of tips for washing those troubles a way, along with your sense of integrity!
Note for the sarcasm impaired – This is a sarcastic and snarky post.
1. No Edit For You. Don’t bother having it professionally edited or edited by someone who has experience or even someone who is OCD and hyper-attentive. You’ve got this. People will really appreciate the extra nuance you give in those sentences that look like you just hit your head on the keyboard. Books are too accessible with all that sense anyway.
2. Page Numbers Are For The Weak. The only reason that a reader would look at a page number is to figure out where the exit is so they can put your book down. STOP THEM! Remove those opportunities of weakness. The reader doesn’t mean to be weak, so help them help you help them help you.
3. Margins are marginal. So many “book making people” waste a lot of space at the top and bottom of each page, never mind the left and right! That’s real estate, and if my grandfather who died before I was born told me one thing, it’s that you never waste good real estate!
Readers LOVE bending their book in half to get at those extra special words tucked into the binding. You know the extra good part? When that book comes apart, why, that reader’s all ready to buy ANOTHER copy of your book!
And those people who say that having a “reasonable” margin at the top and bottom allows the brain to focus and serve as a framing of the content like a great piece of art, are full of it. They don’t realize that you could reduce your book printing costs significantly by eliminating 20 pages and having letters on every potential part of that page. Oh the dizzying alphabetic effect of a margin well marginalized.
4. Put a cover on that says “I did this to you, reader.” Too many readers judge a book by the cover, so let your cover serve as the jury and executioner! Don’t have pretty people on it, or fonts that are readable, go for the classic Microsoft Paint look. Have that cover that says to your reader “I can’t believe you paid good money to own this, serves you right.”
Now you might be saying to yourself, I can’t afford to have a good cover made like that. Don’t you dare go with something that’s simple and elegant, don’t you DARE tweet “Hey, anyone new to making covers want to team up?” because you could end up offending your readers with something that looks remarkably “good” in the eyes of “almost everyone.” You need to be bold, exceptional, like a square spiky ball that should be used for soccer.
5. Font-tastic opportunties. Now I know what you’re saying, you’ve done everything above, and you’re still getting sales. Don’t worry, this last one will bring everything together and GUARANTEE you to win you less and less readers every second of the day. Are you ready? Good. Whoever said you have to use the same font chapter to chapter, or even page to page? Psyche out your reader by switching the font size by 2 points, or the spacing between paragraphs every now and then. See in the reviews if anyone mentions feeling seasick, and pat yourself on the back.
So many people might think you’re wasting good time by switching from Palatino to Cochin, and from 14 to 12, then 12 to 10, then 10 to 9 point font and slowly back up, and changing the spacing from 1.2 to 1.6 over the span of a couple of pages? But you know, those readers, they’ll appreciate it. They’ll appreciate it like a chainsaw walkup call that says HELLO COMPLACENCY, I’VE ARRIVED!
With all of these tips you’re CERTAIN to get labeled as one of THOSE indie authors, the type that doesn’t go by the rules of high standards and respect for the reader, and why should you? You’re the one writing the book buddy, they owe you like they owe thanks to the grass for spreading some green on their knees as a kid.
Note to the sarcastically impaired: The blog post is over, and it was sarcastic.