Barbaric Development

In 1999, I wrote this short scene called Barbaric Development. There were some situations at work that were driving me batty, and I decided to put my imagination to work. I’ve posted it here for your enjoyment. I wrote this for myself back then, and only shared it with close friends and family. I haven’t reworked it at all, only fixing a few spelling mistakes.

I hate to say this, but since there are people who will claim things as their own unless I do, please note:

This story may be linked to, Tweeted and referenced on Facebook, etc. but not be re-posted in whole or part on another site or in another medium without the explicit, written approval of Adam Dreece. Copyright 1992-2014 Adam Dreece, All Rights Reserved. You can email me if you want to do anything else with this.

And now, Barbaric Development by Adam Dreece from 1999

C – Consultant, C2 – Consultant #2, H – Horde

C:“So, what are you looking for us to help you with Mister…”
H:“My real name would strike such FEAR into your feeble mind that your heart would burst and your soul fire would extinguish!”
C:“Hmm, in similar situations we prefer calling our client Harry. Will that be okay?”
H:“That name is unbecoming of the leader of the Horde! I should kill you where you sit…”
C: “Okay… why are we here today?”
H:“The mighty god Nassdack and its followers, previously our valiant allies in battle, have turned on us and unleashed their unrelenting fury, wounding and dishonoring us for all to see.”
C:“What’s your stock at?”
H:“It’s embarrassing. A barbarian does not reveal such disgraceful things! … sigh… I suppose I would have to kill you if …your fees are so high I’ll probably do that anyway… We’re at $2, our 52 week high was $140.”
C:“Hmm, while that is serious, we have turned around businesses that were in worse positions.”
H: “Who?”
C:“Apple. Corel. Anyways, can you describe your software life cycle?”
H: “We plunge our fists into the tight underbelly of the coding beast, and then we rip
from its fruits with dripping nectar and hold it high for all to behold.”
C: “I’m detecting little emphasis on design or quality assurance.”
H: “To design is to give the enemy an opportunity to discover your plans. We use overwhelming numbers and surprise to our advantage.”
C: “And quality assurance?”
H: “After inflicting one too many wounds upon my soldiers, we uncovered their plot. They were actually the enemy! They hunted us and were intent on turning us into cowering babes before their mighty bug reports! They sought to stop the invasion of the Horde into the marketplace! But we fought back and have expunged their evil from our home!”
C: “So how did your customers feel about that?”
H: “We had to create a technical support department. They have been very spirited.”
C: “Tell me how they work.”
H: “When a customer calls with a problem, one of us keeps them on the phone while the other one tracks them down and KILLS THEM! We will have none who shall speak ill of us! Our software is not for the meek or the timid! It is HORDEWARE! It is not SOFT! It is valiant, strong and has been known to maim the uninitiated.”
C: “I’m not picking up any of the classical problems. Do you have a e-commerce sales channel?”
H: “No.”
C: “I think I have everything I need, I’ll get back to you in the morning.”

Back at the consultant’s office…

C2: “So what did you find? Can we help them?”

C: “The problem was pretty obvious, no e-commerce.”

C2: “Barbarians…”

The End

Want to read more of my old fiction? Go ahead.

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